Goldfish
by Rockcrab
Summary: House is walking to the cafeteria, and Wilson's office door is open, inside, he finds some Goldfish... really, how much Havoc can be caused by goldfish, one might ask? Well, you'll just have to read and find out...


Disclaimer- I do not own House MD or anything in any way related to it. I have my claims on the goldfish though… XD

Author's Note- This happened a few days ago in the lunch room, only… not with House or Wilson… with friends and me...

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House stood, he should have been on clinic duty, but he decided to head to the cafeteria instead. On his way there, he noticed that Wilson's office door was left ajar, and went inside his friend's office to investigate. Wilson was no where to be found inside the office, however, there was a bag of goldfish, papers, and a bottle of hand sanitizer. Ruffling through the papers, House found nothing of interest, just some uninteresting reports about cancer patients in the department Wilson currently worked in. How boring... he never quite understood _why _anyone would really want to work with cancer patients... if they were going to die he saw no point... mind you, he knew some lived, but that was more of a 'hope and pray' thing. This being a technique he was not particularly fond of; it gave god too much credit.

Sitting down in Wilson's chair, House put some hand sanitizer on his hands and rubbed them together- never could be too careful; only when you know how many germs there are out there, especially in a hospital (and when you know just _who _would be left to treat you if you fell ill and were admitted to said hospital), do you actually employ the use of Germ-x and disinfectant. Would he trust Foreman, Cuddy, Chase or 13 with his life? No! Of course not! Are you insane?!

Taking a handful or goldfish, House started to look through Wilson's desk drawers for something better to snack on. Goldfish just weren't what he had wanted to eat... but, alas, he found nothing else. House frowned slightly and put a goldfish into his mouth which he immediately spit into the trash. "Germ-X flavored..." Throwing the rest of the goldfish in his hand away, wiped what was left of the hand sanitizer on Wilson's coat, which just-so-happened to be hanging right next to him on the chair. With a sigh, he stood, retaking his cane, grabbed another handful of goldfish, and headed to the cafeteria. He shut Wilson's door behind him.

The taste still in his mouth, House grabbed a water bottle and got in line to pay for it. After a minute or so, he ran out of patience and simply walked ahead of the few patients in from of him, who looked at him. One muttered, "You can't do that..."

"Of course I can," House stated looking the man up and down, he seemed to be having issues with his leg as well, except it had a cast and the man looked fairly cut up; probably a car accident or something of the kind. "I would have played the cripple card, but you have me beat on that one... so I'll play the, 'I'm a doctor' card and you'll let me go on ahead of you anyways."

The man obviously regretted having said anything and House smirked, about to pay for his water when he noticed the outrageous price. "I'm not paying three dollars for a water." This was stated in a definitive way, he was sure he would not pay for it in the end. "I'm a doctor, don't I get a discount? Like... 3 dollars off or something...?"

"I'm sorry, but no..." stated the cashier with a slight shake of the head. "It's still 3 dollars."

House shrugged and picked up the water starting to walk away. The cashier called security. A security guard put a hand on House's shoulder, "Sir, you have to pay for that."

House pretended to gasp. "It's the fuzz! Please officer, I'm too young to go to jail! Can't I just have a warning this time?" This was of course, sarcasm. The officer was not amused.

13 then came over, having been sitting, she handed the officer three dollars and he let House go. "Yeah, that's right, walk away!"

House turned to 13. "13, see how I handled that? You should learn, how much did you pay for that juice, 7 dollars?"

13 rolled her eyes stating, "Yes, you were brilliant, now don't you have somewhere _else _to wreak havoc?"

House sat down at her table, Chase was there as well. "Nope!" He put the goldfish down on the table; 5 of them were left. Chase reached over and took a goldfish, about to eat it when House stated, "Not that one! I'm saving that one to throw at Cuddy."

"Why, exactly?" asked Chase, pausing and placing it back on the table, suspicious that it might be loaded or something along those lines. He picked up another one.

"Because, that one's me," stated House with a nod. "I'm going to aim for the front of her shirt." He picked the House-Goldfish up and placed it closer to him. "This one is Wilson-Goldfish, this one is 13-Goldfish, this one is Chase-Goldfish..."

Chase paused, a different goldfish half-way to his mouth that House had not yet named. This was the only unnamed goldfish left of the five House had taken. "Who am I about to eat now?"

House grinned and stated, "Foreman." Chase dropped the goldfish, not about to eat it anymore due to what things House could possibly say, and it broke into four pieces.

"Oops," stated Chase looking at the goldfish. 13 smiled slightly.

"You killed Foreman!" stated House, a fake shocked look on his face, that turned back to a slight grin. "I can't believe you killed him!" 13 looked around and did not see Foreman, she chuckled under her breath. A few people turned and looked at House, it was a hospital after all, the word kill was not taken lightly by many of the patients who were dependant on their doctors at the moment.

"I-I didn't mean to... I just dropped him....." said Chase, not feeling like it was just to accuse him of this. "It's just a goldfish..."

House shook his head, "I'm telling Foreman you said that."

13 rolled her eyes slightly, "How can you tell him that if he's already dead?"

House said nothing for a moment before stating, "I'm keeping the House-Goldfish away from you, Chase, for that, I'm throwing yours away." House stood up and grabbed a goldfish, heading towards the trash can.

"You're joking, right?" asked Chase, in slight disbelief. He had a goldfish named after him and House was just going to throw it away?! House shook his head and neared the trash can. Chase stood up and followed House, arriving just in time to see House toss it into the trash... right on some old, disgusting looking food. Chase sighed. "You just had to, didn't you?"

House shrugged and sat back down. "Guilty until proven innocent, Chase."

"It's innocent until proven guilty," remarked Chase with a sigh, sitting down across 13, who was next to House.

"Tell that to Foreman-Goldfish," stated House with a seemingly sincere, yet still joking look in his eye. 13 shook her head.

"You're both insane, aren't you a little old to be playing with your food?" she asked, taking the House-Goldfish in hand.

"Put House Jr. down right now, or I crush 13-Goldfish!" said House his hand over a goldfish.

"House..." started 13, but she was interrupted by a crunching sound. House had crushed the goldfish.

"Ha! Told you," stated House, "Now give it back." House made a grab for House-Goldfish, and 13 let him have it back.

"House, that wasn't 13-Goldfish," stated 13, picking up the last fish on the table and eating it. She swallowed it and stated, "Eww, that tasted like hand sanitizer..."

"It wasn't?" asked House, seeing 13 eat a goldfish. At this point, Wilson entered the cafeteria looking for House. "You ate Wilson!" In return, House ate the crushed remnants of the goldfish he'd crushed. "There, all's fair in love and war." Wilson heard this and the previous comment, and blinked confusedly. He headed over to them.

13 started to laugh, "House, I had tried to tell you, you crushed and ate Wilson, I ate my own goldfish." Chase smiled and covered his mouth with his hand, to try and hide his smile, coughing slightly to hide his laugh.

"Uhm, guys..." stated Chase looking up and seeing Wilson behind House now. "Guys...!"

Wilson raised an eyebrow, looking at the three. 13 was cracking up and Chase was trying to hide his amusement (having seen him).

"What?" asked House, looking at Chase, following Chase's eyes, he saw Wilson.

"...do I even want to know...?" asked Wilson sitting next to House, spotting the goldfish in House's hand.

"...it was just goldfish, really, it's not what you think..." stated Chase with a smile he was trying to make disappear. 13 was still laughing, not saying anything.

"...you've been in my office, haven't you, House?" asked Wilson, still confused and slightly disturbed at hearing his name used in the context he had heard. He decided to just drop it.

"Well, off to work!" said House, standing up and heading back to his office. He had a patient to cure... probably TB, that was always fun. Maybe he'd stop and get more goldfish on his way back... and maybe he'd see Cuddy on his way...

...the House-Goldfish was still in his pocket, and he had pretty good aim...

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Author's Note- Yay for my fail House MD fan fiction being done! Tell me if you like it, tell me if you don't. I could use some feedback, you know? Thanks for reading!


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